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Schraenker: Do you mean to say that you have to murder?
Hans Beckert: It’s there all the time, driving me out to wander the streets, following me, silently, but I can feel it there. It’s me, pursuing myself! I want to escape, to escape from myself! But it’s impossible. I can’t escape, I have to obey it. I have to run, run… endless streets. I want to escape, to get away! And I’m pursued by ghosts. Ghosts of mothers and of those children… they never leave me. They are always there… always, always, always!, except when I do it, when I… Then I can’t remember anything. And afterwards I see those posters and read what I’ve done, and read, and read… did I do that? But I can’t remember anything about it! But who will believe me? Who knows what it’s like to be me? How I’m forced to act… how I must, must… don’t want to, must! Don’t want to, but must! And then a voice screams! I can’t bear to hear it! I can’t go on! I can’t… I can’t…
-from M (1931)
I also have a secret blog. I’ve had many. But inevitably I’ll get mad about something one day and delete the whole thing. They’re never private, always public, just there, getting lost in the massive mess that is the internet. I’m using Tumblr for the latest one. I use it to write in. Wait, that may be obvious. But I’m saying there’s no pictures in it, nothing like that. Usually in the past, I’ve used my secret blogs to write completely incoherently in, all stream of conscious bullshit, emphasis on the shit, in order to just get thoughts out of my head, because they were fucking me up. This one is different, I use it to actually write. And go back and edit things (and I love to edit), and reread things, and change things.
And only one person besides me reads it. Are you that one person?
Valentina Blinova in L’Oiseau de feu [The Firebird], Ballets Russes, Sydney, 1936-1937 / Max Dupain
Suzanne is away with no internet for a week! It’s only been two days and I am already missing her updates. So I actually went looking for similar inspiring things. I found this. Suzanne may have said something like, “Perfect Headgear of the Day XXXI”.
I like it.
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